06-08-07| 12:10 am

wrote this on scraps from my waitressing book;

Too many books. Too much reading; I am floating in literary madness. Not living. Only observing. Losing my edge, this is what I say out loud and I know the reason. I know what is softening me. I will not write it here. I will not admit it.

Memories swamping me. Everything is connected, it's like I'm on drugs again. Observances, memories. He tells me my eyes are beautiful and I see them through someone else's eyes, the color of the pacific framed in red bright with tears as he tore my heart out. I know exactly what my face looked like when all the trust I ever had disappeared.

Defenses are crumbling slowly and I know why. I'm not going to say it but I know why. I'm nervous, sad, excited, I am experiencing all of these feelings at the same time these walls are crumbling and to tell you the truth it's fucking terrifying.