05-31-16| 3:32 pm

i was on drugs again, more drugs than you knew
uppers and downers, i had squirreled away the vicodin from the dentist and eaten it that night, to counteract the coke, to make it possible to look you in the eye, which I never did

driving home i think i was having a panic attack, the demarcation between real and fake was gone, i was cloaked in so much fear, i suspected i had seen the future

and i had been having the dreams, dreams of drunk driving, of ruin,
i was certain something terrible was going to happen to us because i'd lied to you, because of the Vicodin, the coke, the booze, because i deserved it