03-15-06| 9:07 pm

I am not depressed, that's what I say to reassure my grandmother. Don't worry about me, please, I'm happy. Please don't worry. I have to reassure her because I'm not good enough at pretending anymore or maybe I never struggled this much before, because struggling is what I'm doing. How could I not be happy when I am alive and I am healthy and I have things that I want and I love and then I think how could I be happy when I'm surrounded by everything else, this is the modern day dilemma, everybody raised their kids wrong and now here we are, totally fucked up and trying to hide things from maybe the only people who unconditionally care.

Please go see someone, she tells me, I want you to be happy even though there's so much dysfunction and I tell her please don't worry even though I'm worried that I used to be strong enough and now I'm not, every day there is a war in my brain because see this girl, she is outside, she is running, breathing, look at the sunshine, the water, how can this girl be depressed and there is war because this girl is depressed.

I keep trying to make a list of all the good things and there is only one and if I didn't have that one it's very possible I would stop being me. Don't worry, I kept telling her, and I kept biting my cheek because I couldn't talk without crying and I didn't want my grandma to see me cry. I don't want her to worry.

this isn't the modern dilemma this is the modern condition. I don't know wha to do besides what I've always done, wait, wait, wait, wait. Life will always go on. I just don't want to waste days that I can't get back being unhappy.

I love my grandma very much because she cares and she can see. Everyone else is so caught up that they are blind.