2003-10-05| 5:55 p.m.

The hardest thing I do will be walking away from the last 7 years of my life. It never seemed real until right now.

Not my home. I could have left my home thousands of times without so much as a glance over my shoulder. I could have left my family without saying goodbye. I was ready to. But I stayed, because I had a better family--the ones I didn't share blood with. I had a better home, the one with no heat and no air conditioning but lots of horses and lots of stories.

11 months is too short. It's too short. It's too fucking short. 11 months left with the people I love, doing what I love. This is not the right time! I want to slow it down. I don't want to rewind, I just don't want the future to come. I want to stay like this forever. Oh God.

This is what wakes me up at 4am, has me crying my eyes out my best friend's couch. This is what is running through my head every second of every day. I can't do it, it's not long enough. not long enough. It's never going to be long enough. I can't do it.