2003-07-22| 12:06 a.m.

I saw that letter and I was excited. He handed it to me, my heart was pounding. I thought about not opening it just then, waiting, telling everyone I was nervous and excited. Making a big deal.

I just tore it open instead, didn't tell anyone what it was.

I opened that letter and in an instant, I had failed. Always telling myself it didn't matter, not at all. It mattered. I had, I have, failed. I just looked at it for a for a couple seconds, just thought for a couple seconds. Or didn't think. That was probably it. Didn't think.

Let nothing show, never let it show. All I said was, "oh well" while inside I was quietly sinking, while outside they told me it was okay, they shrugged it off. I just said, "oh well" and went upstairs.

Moving on, always moving on.