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2003-06-30|
2:45 p.m.
Tonight marks an achievement in the game (write it down and give me a gold star.) The scary thing is the game isn't so much of a game anymore. When I started this, I thought I was doing what I had to and nothing more. I was securing my future for the upcoming months, securing a seat for myself with the best crowd, the crowd we never liked, the crowd I would seduce and lie to and become a part of. I though I would be able to move back and forth between the lives, I thought you would know full well that I love all of you more than anything and that these people were nothing more than my manipulations. Now it's a little more clear to me that none of you understood, none of you got that I was only playing my game (and one I'm so shockingly good at.) What scares me is that maybe all of you knew a little too much. Maybe all of you recognized that I started to love being in with the right people, started to enjoy playing the game more than was necessary. Maybe all of you were able to see what I refused to accept. Tonight marks an achievement in the game. It also marks my recognition--I've been so wrapped up in myself and my new reality that I've forgotten how to be what I was. All I know how to do now is say the right words and push the right buttons. I know just what you need to hear, but I don't know if that's what the old me would ever say. I've still won though, if it counts for anything anymore. |